je divague

I just made a playlist entitled "what the flip am I gonna do with my life?" If anything, I think this summarizes my sentiments as of late. I guess it's about time for my biannual what-has-my-life-come-to pseudo-meltdown-but-meltdown-isn't-the-right-word-because-it's-too-melodramatic. I'm sure you have them too, just maybe not as often. Don't lie.

Maybe it's the common dilemma of the twenty-something these days, the feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt. Always wondering what exactly it is we're after and even if you think you know what you want, you sometimes feel like it isn't the right thing or maybe you start to wonder what else is out there. Is it because we have so many choices? And the overwhelming options somehow cripple the ability to make any decision at all? Maybe it's just me. I think I'm insufferably indecisive.

executive decision: why can't i just do this all day?

I think it's good to have a lot of irons in the fire, so to speak, in terms of making life choices. That's mostly how I do things -- I'll go for all the things that I have convinced myself that I want because inevitably, none of them will work according to plan. Then usually the thing that I least expected to happen happens in a completely messed up and even more twisted way.

This allows the universe to make my decisions for me. I kind of hate that I'm becoming that person -- the kind of person who thinks there is some kind of order to the universe, like someone is actually pulling the strings to my life. But how can I help it? Sometimes certain things just feel right. I get asked all the time here why I chose Toulouse. And my answer is honestly, I didn't -- Toulouse chose me.

Ok, maybe that's little dramatic. But, I remember last summer when I was desperately checking my email every two seconds for someone to respond to the hundreds of CVs I was emailing, the one of two responses for a job interview was in Toulouse and at that time I was staying with my sister in Atlanta. I hurriedly went to google to find out more about Toulouse and I remember one of the first things I read was that it was Atlanta's sister city. And I was like, "SIGN! It's a sign!!!!"

Anyway, so here I am by some twisted fate of good timing and a convenient google search. But now, I'm in a similar sort of situation. I'm FUNemployed and trying to figure out what to do next. I enjoyed teaching ESL for a year but I'm not sure I want to do it again. I'm sort of itching to do something different.

here's a picture of me on a cow for funsies.

I'm still waiting on financial news from Uni which will arrive on August 2nd and until then I get to sit here twiddling my thumbs like an idiot -- I don't want to invest myself too much in the idea that I'm going to pack up and leave come September, simply to avoid disappointment. Is that immature? A friend of mine called me irresponsible when I told him my decision making process. He told me disappointment is inevitable and that I was being stupid for not making the decision for myself, that it was childish to leave this up to fate.

Sadly, I think he's right. I don't feel like I'm responsible enough to be making these kinds of decisions about life. Move to England? Stay in France? Find a real job? Continue with ESL? Go back to the states? I'm sitting here looking at the "module" selections (that's apparently British university talk for "classes") for my potential M.A. in English Literature and I'm like oh hey, a 15,000 word dissertation? omgwtfhahaNO. I'm waaaay too irresponsible to even be using words like dissertation and modules.

I'm going to leave this post with a web comic I came across. It's an absolutely amazing blog that this silly and funny girl writes and draws and it has so far caused me to continuously and actually laugh out loud and not just lol. I recommend you check it out. Anyway, here's how I feel about life at the moment. bisous à tous.

(http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com)