Such manipulation, the author describes, is called "gaslighting" and they do it to get themselves off the hook for the things that they known they've done wrong. It's something that I was acutely aware of, but I often do find myself brushing off my own similar feelings as a result of me simply being "silly" (I know, I am silly, but not in the all-women-are-crazy kind of way). But it's funny, when I read this article, a strange lightbulb went on in my head. The author took the thoughts that I had been trying to figure out a way of articulating straight out of my estrogen-soaked lady brain.
Let me explain.
A few weeks ago, a person whom I consider to be a good friend came on to me in a sleazy kind of way. This person initially took me under his wing, introduced me to his friends and made me feel like I was a part of something cool in this scary new town. There had been times of light flirting, but I normally take such things with a grain of salt; I understand that this is France where flirting occurs in full-force in many different types of relationships, so I mostly just swept it under the rug and put it down to cultural differences. Like all Frenchmen, he had a girlfriend who I happened to be friendly with. But a few weeks ago, it came to a point where he really... really crossed the line. I was upset and disappointed by his behavior--I didn't know that that was how he saw me and this realization hurt a little bit.
When I confronted him about it, he was initially remorseful. But soon after, he started making cheeky comments, indicating that I had been overreacting before. "Come on, it's not the end of the world -- were you really soooooo offended???" his text message read.
My heart sank. I replayed what had happened that night again and again in my head, thinking you know, maybe he's right... It wasn't that big of a deal! You know what, I'm not even angry about it. I'm being a crazy girl!
No! I'm not angry about it anymore because I miss my friend. I'd really just like for him to apologize so I can forgive him and we can move on! But, it's true that it would be easier to give up, lest he think I'm even crazier than he already does...
Enter: huffington post article. And the lightbulb suddenly went on.
It cemented something I already knew but doubted myself on: he's the one in the wrong here and if he can't own up to his bad behavior then maybe this isn't someone worth having around in the long run. It's not like he's gonna change... It feels a little bit like dating in reverse -- people have to prove themselves to be worthy of long-term friendship.
We still haven't really spoken since the said incident but I wonder whether I'll ever get that apology. If I don't, is it better to just let it fall and move on?
"It's a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don't refuse our burdens as easily. It's the ultimate cowardice."
Liek zomg u guys, aren't boys just like, the ICKIEST sometimes? :P
Tell it how it is, girl. I mean, I know it's hard for men to acknowledge that our feelings and thoughts are valid and justified when all we talk about is *~BoYz~bOyZ~BoYz~*. I can't help feeling though that you should remind yourself that men of quality do not fear equality; if this friend is vaut la peine, you need him not necessarily to apologize for flirting ot hitting on you, but for talking down to you. Sure, him coming onto you was probably inappropriate and may have made you uncomfortable, but NO ONE has the right to invalidate your emotions or try to belittle you because of how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThank you, $50,000 psychology degree, glad to know you're coming in handy...