ça m'a fait lol.

So, I've been putting together this list of quotes for a long, long while. I kinda forgot about it and only recently rediscovered it and realized how hilarious foreign people often are. All of the quotes in this list are from a variety non-native speakers, so naturally, hilarity ensues.

From various occasions...

"Do you want some raped cheese?"

"I'm sorry, what now?"

"Raped. It's in pieces."

"I think you mean grated. Unless you've just violated your cheese."

 - in French, it's fromage râpé

"So, you like the night life here?"

"Yeah, but I can make party anywhere, you know? I'm the SUV of party."

"Do you want to get a drink? Maybe a quick cock?"

"A wha? Did you just say..."
"Cock. The drink..."
"Ummmm..."

"Coke! C-OH-ke. NOT a bite rapide! Nobody wants that." 

French child: do you have any kids?

Me: Are you kidding? No, I don't have kids!

French child: Well, maybe you're old enough to have children.

Me: No way. I'm still a kid!

French child: Didn't you say that you're 23???

[a friend handing me a glass of water]

"What can I say when I put this in the end?"

"The end? What do you mean?"

"I mean, the end of you."

"The end of me? Where exactly are you planning on putting it?"

[waving his hands around] "The END!"

"..."

"HAND! Ohhhhhhhh...."

and the same dood...

"but I believe it is very important to bwehksiclee."

"Sorry? It's important to what?"

"Bwehhhsehckeeel."

"One more time?"

[concentrating immensely] "....rrrrrrrrrr-eeeehhhhh-sehck-lie"

"..."

"Meuhhh, laisse-tomber!!!!"

 (turns out, he was trying to say recycle)

with students...

Student: Teacher, what does it mean OMFG?

Me: Well--

Another student: --OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Me: So, who knows the verb 'to trip'?

Student: Is it similar to "to trip on drugs"? Because yes, I'm... familiar with this.

Everyone: ...

[Reading a text that begins "In riding to and from his wife, a commuter is a man who takes the train..."]

Student: Is the man riding his wife in this context?

[during a discussion]

Student: ... and I dropped my wallet so I fell to retrieve it.

Me: You mean, you bent over. 

*laughing from one student*

Me: (ignoring him) Uhm, so, to bend is an irregular verb. "Bent" is the past tense of to bend, plier, and to bend over is se pencher and it's this motion (acting it out). See? To bend over.

*laughter from everyone*

Me: Seriously. That's it, someone tell me what's so funny.

Student: Lindsay... Um. "Bend" sounds like the French word for an erection. And you're saying it a lot.

[teaching my French students how to properly pronounce the "th" sound]

Me: It's important to exaggerate the motion when you practice -- althhhhhhough. Remember, stick your tongue out. Like this.

Student: Oooh, this is so erotic!--

Me: --Ok. we're done now.

Student A: Was Chuck Norris from Belgium?

Student B: No, you're thinking of Jean Claude Van Damme.

and sometimes funny things happen in french too!...

Me: Arthur, s'teuplait. Assieds-toi sur le coussin.

Arthur (age 4): meuh, Leendsay! C'est pas un coussin! C'est un coussing!

-- this kid was correcting my pronunciation to be more "Toulousain" -- adorable.