mais ça, c'est vraiment trop bizarre.

I already discussed the French things that I'm cool with... What about the things I'm not sure I'll ever get used to? Well, ask and you shall receive.

1. Showers. Anyone who has been to Europe has inevitably encountered some weird stuff in bathrooms -- one of them being how they separate the toilet and the shower. That's nice, I guess, if you have to go when someone is taking a shower. But one of the bizarre things is this whole tub/shower, but lack of shower head attachment. Basically, you're supposed to hold the shower head and wash yourself at the same time. But, am I supposed to sit down? Stand up? Squat? Maybe this set up saves more water (maaaaybe) but it's such an uncomfortable experience. This is why in my bathroom, I've shimmied a make-shift shower head installation using two suction cup hooks to solve this problem.

i'm just so handy.

2. Dog shit in the street. As the eloquent Demetri Martin said:

Owning a dog in the city is like saying, 'my need for companionship outweighs my distaste for picking up shit. I don't like shit but I am lonely. I'm gonna get a German Shepard and a shovel.'

Why, god, WHY don't the French understand this?

3. My personal bubble. Being that everything is bigger in the US, I have a personal space bubble that I consider to be much larger than most Europeans. I just don't like strangers all up in my biz. As a result, when someone in the métro stands next to me when there is clearly a huge amount of space to be had elsewhere, I become insufferably uncomfortable. Rather than moving away from my little corner (which would naturally be letting the other person win), I send mental vibrations to the person, saying something along the lines of "BWAAA, MY BLOOD PRESSURE, MOOOOVE" which inevitably leads to maximum force bitchface and then I just come off looking mentally incapable. But really, if you just stood two feet to the left, we wouldn't have this problem.

4. Air Conditioning. I know I'm being a total turd about this, but having grown up in Arizona, I rely heavily on the comforts of air conditioning. They should get on this -- especially in the public transport. The Toulousain métro in August leaves something... to be desired.

5. The Charm. Let's forget about the fact that I've been here more than a year and a half now. One of the things I thought I would be immune to at this point is the accent -- youuuuu know, when a foreign person opens their mouth and speaks in English, you can't help but think "oooo..." I'm still such a sucker for the accent -- but I'm not talking about my students, no no no. I mean, when I hear the right things said from the right person, I turn into a big pile of goo. I actually have to stop the person, and say "No, stop, that's it. You're no longer allowed to speak English." But it's not even that much better in French -- c'mon, being told t'es trop belle, ah-mehr-ee-can gehrl would make you melt like butter too.

6. Government offices. In the good ole USA, we have lots of offices we have to go to in order to take care of administrative stuff -- mostly though, we tend to avoid them like the plague. Applying for a new social security card? Noooo, thank you. Sitting for three hours in the DMV? Haha, fuck that shit! I'd rather watch my hair get pulled out strand by strand than voluntarily deal with unhappy government workers during my free time. And that's exactly the way I feel about doing such things in France, maximized by ten. I have the impression that anytime anyone has a question about anything government related, they go to the Mairie (town hall) or the Prefecture, so maybe they're just more used to waiting... But you would have no idea, based on the number of times old ladies try to jump me in the supermarket check-out -- I know you're old, but I was here first, goddammit! Fine, go ahead. ::bitch face::

Hôtel des Impôts, tu me fait chier.

Even just sitting here, I'm thinking of more and more things to add to the list... But I do love France. And I love the US. But unfortunately, there's no utopia.

Et ouais, c'est tout.

gros bisous, friends.

c'est bizarre? meuh, non!

France is such a weird place. Except when you live here for a while then you start to realize that it's not actually that weird after all. Uh oh...

1. Non-refrigerated milk. I thought that this was gonna be much more difficult to get used to, but surprisingly it wasn't at all. You can buy milk in bulk here (unless you wanna buy it fresh, which will cost you at least three times more) and store it for several weeks, even months -- the milk currently sitting on my shelf was purchased for .56 centimes and only needs to be refrigerated once opened. Yeah, it's totally weird and gross but, you know, actually it's not. (p.s. you like the name of that powdered sugar? "daddy" -- that, I'll admit, is weird).

2. Not smiling. I saw a thing on the internet for "Chronic Bitchface" and I feel like that that accurately sums up the majority of French people. Nobody walks around with a shit-eating grin (unless they're crazy) and nobody asks questions about why you look like someone just told you that your Chanel perfume is "so last season" (apparently, this happens?). I think I do this too now, which I'll chalk up to "adapting." Oh, shut it.

3. Tiny coffees. To be honest, I really didn't like coffee all that much before I arrived in France, so maybe this was easier than it should have been. It's sorta unusual to take a big coffee, or a grande crème, at a café and even though it takes about 17 seconds to finish, I enjoy the small espressos a lot now, even forcing my family to use our espresso machine every night when I was home. That makes me such a snob. Oh well.

4. The metric system. loljk, I still don't get this.

5. Sundays. By far, this was the most difficult thing to get used to, probably because it's such an inherently normal and usual thing. Most everything closes on Sundays (including grocery stores) and pretty much everyone stays home because the French are all about rest. Though it originally started due to religious reasons and since everyone is Catholic "by tradition" in France (e.g., not Catholic at all), it's now a thing to just stay in bed until like 2 in the afternoon, go for a walk, make dinner and then go back to sleep. I really didn't get it at first, but I do now -- and I can enjoy being in my PJs all day without even a trace of guilt.

6. Small breakfasts. Coffee/tea, a pastry or bread with nutella and that's it. Though I think most Americans my age just enjoy coffee and cereal, there is also the tradition of bacon, eggs, sausages, pancakes, waffles... Which sorta nauseates me for breakfast now.

With each of these things, I'm feeling more and more snobby...

shh, this was in Barcelona

I'm gonna stop here for fear of sounding like a holier-than-thou piece of poo euro snob. But I hope you guys get the idea. I still love me some burritos and queso and I'd still rather have In-N-Out than a filet mignon any day of the week.

American, OUT!

xx

ça m'a fait lol.

So, I've been putting together this list of quotes for a long, long while. I kinda forgot about it and only recently rediscovered it and realized how hilarious foreign people often are. All of the quotes in this list are from a variety non-native speakers, so naturally, hilarity ensues.

From various occasions...

"Do you want some raped cheese?"

"I'm sorry, what now?"

"Raped. It's in pieces."

"I think you mean grated. Unless you've just violated your cheese."

 - in French, it's fromage râpé

"So, you like the night life here?"

"Yeah, but I can make party anywhere, you know? I'm the SUV of party."

"Do you want to get a drink? Maybe a quick cock?"

"A wha? Did you just say..."
"Cock. The drink..."
"Ummmm..."

"Coke! C-OH-ke. NOT a bite rapide! Nobody wants that." 

French child: do you have any kids?

Me: Are you kidding? No, I don't have kids!

French child: Well, maybe you're old enough to have children.

Me: No way. I'm still a kid!

French child: Didn't you say that you're 23???

[a friend handing me a glass of water]

"What can I say when I put this in the end?"

"The end? What do you mean?"

"I mean, the end of you."

"The end of me? Where exactly are you planning on putting it?"

[waving his hands around] "The END!"

"..."

"HAND! Ohhhhhhhh...."

and the same dood...

"but I believe it is very important to bwehksiclee."

"Sorry? It's important to what?"

"Bwehhhsehckeeel."

"One more time?"

[concentrating immensely] "....rrrrrrrrrr-eeeehhhhh-sehck-lie"

"..."

"Meuhhh, laisse-tomber!!!!"

 (turns out, he was trying to say recycle)

with students...

Student: Teacher, what does it mean OMFG?

Me: Well--

Another student: --OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Me: So, who knows the verb 'to trip'?

Student: Is it similar to "to trip on drugs"? Because yes, I'm... familiar with this.

Everyone: ...

[Reading a text that begins "In riding to and from his wife, a commuter is a man who takes the train..."]

Student: Is the man riding his wife in this context?

[during a discussion]

Student: ... and I dropped my wallet so I fell to retrieve it.

Me: You mean, you bent over. 

*laughing from one student*

Me: (ignoring him) Uhm, so, to bend is an irregular verb. "Bent" is the past tense of to bend, plier, and to bend over is se pencher and it's this motion (acting it out). See? To bend over.

*laughter from everyone*

Me: Seriously. That's it, someone tell me what's so funny.

Student: Lindsay... Um. "Bend" sounds like the French word for an erection. And you're saying it a lot.

[teaching my French students how to properly pronounce the "th" sound]

Me: It's important to exaggerate the motion when you practice -- althhhhhhough. Remember, stick your tongue out. Like this.

Student: Oooh, this is so erotic!--

Me: --Ok. we're done now.

Student A: Was Chuck Norris from Belgium?

Student B: No, you're thinking of Jean Claude Van Damme.

and sometimes funny things happen in french too!...

Me: Arthur, s'teuplait. Assieds-toi sur le coussin.

Arthur (age 4): meuh, Leendsay! C'est pas un coussin! C'est un coussing!

-- this kid was correcting my pronunciation to be more "Toulousain" -- adorable.

mon week-end, en bref.

A conversation I had to summarize my weekend...

- ...Wait a sec, was that your first puke in France?
- You know, I think it was! At least my first public puke.
- Hurray! You should celebrate. Or make a wish.
- A wish! What should I wish for?
- A nice, charming, smart and honest French guy in your life.
- Nah, I think I'd rather have a winning lotto ticket.
- Do you even play the lotto?
- No.
- Then that'll for sure never happen!
- So then my chances of either coming true are pretty much the same.
- Hum. Well... Ok. Touché.

Also, this:

i took this from someone's tumblr that i stumbled upon, but since i don't really know how tumblr works, i'ma just leave it like this. cool? cool.